A Sauce You Can Sink Your Teeth Into!

April 1st, 2012...At great professional risk, the vow of silence among dentists has been broken to reveal the centuries old secret ingredient of a well known condiment. Dr. Aprile Foulle practices dentistry in a Northeastern region of America and she has confirmed what many until now have speculated: the secret ingredient of Tarter Sauce is in fact tooth tartar. Dr. Aprile said "In good conscience I can no longer honor my professional vow of silence.

I feel so ashamed that I and my colleagues have willfully participated in this worldwide cover-up." So deceptive is the industry that makers often use the old english spelling: tartare.

The public story began to unravel in May of 2009, when Egyptian tomb researcher Dr. Heigh Whait Aminit produced a trove of ancient recipes among a number of records from a 'fed' room. Egyptian linguists have long known the translation of fed is tooth.

The sauce recipes referred to an ingredient called fed ex. Translators and scientists soon confirmed: fed ex was in fact tooth excrement! The Ancients theorized the hard crusty deposits that collected on the surfaces of teeth was something the teeth excreted.

The code of silence among dentists has been perpetuated for far too long says Dr. Aprile. "When asked about this, our offices have been told to respond with incredulity. Dentists tell staff to respond with denial, such as: "Are you serious? You've got to be joking? or That's ridiculous, absolutely not!" For years dental offices worldwide surreptitiously shipped the dental-contraband via mail to commercial Sauce makers.

Then, in the 1970's, a large Dental Association approached Fred Smith about his newly proposed shipping method when it was discovered that the fresher the tartar, the better the sauce! So it was that FEDoral EXcess was launched to expedite fresh tooth-to-retail delivery. The continued success of its tartar delivery business allowed FED EX to expand its services beyond their tartar shipping and into mainstream package delivery worldwide.
It is widely accepted that the cream-de-la-cream of tartar is harvested from the molars of the American Appalachian population due to the Iron-rich content of the mountain waters.

Dr. Aprile feels it is time to expose this cash-rich tartar-for-pay scheme. She contends, "My fellow dentists are enjoying underground, tax-free bundles of cash from companies willing to pay royally for fresh tartar."

 Dr. Aprile submitted this case as an example of one that a dentist could expect to receive hundreds of dollars in underground payment.

The Mother Load!

 Say's Dr. Aprile, "This certainly isn't the usual amount of tartar but when a dentist gets their hands on one of these, believe me it's time to back up the truck."

Today, Worldwide Condiments Inc. spokesperson, Sheesa Lyon announced they will no longer accept dentist-direct shipments. Said a tearful Ms. Lyon, "Tarter will only be accepted from FDA inspected vendors". 

Tartar-gate...A shameful period of culinary duplicity. Thank you Dr. Aprile Foulle.

Bon Appetit!

Watch Your Mouth...Because Spit Happens!

The More You Booze...The More You Lose!

Oh for crying out loud...is there nothing left to enjoy anymore? Really, I'm so sick and tired of reading about this that causes that, and that that causes this...I could just poke out my eyes with the business end of a lawn Jart!

Alright, now don't we feel better getting that off our chest? Get it straight...we're talking about drinking to excess, not the occasional or social imbiber. You can enjoy your fav-o-rite adult beverage without getting your panties all in a wad worrying that your gums are going to melt off your jawbone.  The operative word is EXCESS.


Here's the skinny, or you can visit The Report for more details. Alcohol affects the teeth and oral cavity in the following ways:

Gum Disease if untreated can lead to loss of teeth. A University of Buffalo Dental Medicine study found a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol consumed and severity of risk for gum disease.

Gum Disease can affect systemic health. Systemic means your general systems; like your heart and pancreas. Yeah, the little buggers living in your gums emit toxins that attack other organs.

Decay? Yep, cavities develop too, due the mixers that contain a high concentration of sugar. See a previous Spit Happens post: Do You Want To Havity A Cavity?

Oral Cancer risk is greater too in excess drinkers as alcohol breaks down chemically into acetaldehyde which can bind to proteins in the mouth setting off a cascade of crap you don't want, believe me. And if you really want to party, mix in tobacco to rev up your tumor potential. See a previous Spit Happens post: Warning...This Product May Be Hazardous To Your Health.  

Geezzz...this post is quickly becoming an advertisement for many of my previous posts no one has read.

Watch Your Mouth...Because Spit Happens!